The Habanero Threat

Chili peppers are measured in Scoville Heat Units, or SHU. Jalapenos, the most common North American pepper, rate between 2,500 and 8,000 SHU. Mexico’s Serrano is rated between 10,000 and 23,000 SHU. Louisiana’s Tabasco peppers reach 30,000 to 50,000 SHU.

Shortly before 9/11 in Boston, I passed through a metal detector and froze when the alarm sounded. Looking for any reaction, I saw four attendants chatting nearby. Irritated – constant travel does this – I interrupted. “Does anyone care that I triggered the metal detector?” They glanced at me, then resumed chatting.

“Are you the boss?” I asked a man nearby, whose uniform indicated authority. “I just triggered that metal detector and no one seems to care.” The man dispatched me with a waved hand, without requiring re-entry or wand wave-down. Such was airport security prior to 9/11.

Next are the Tepin Chile from Texas and Mexico, ranked between 10,000 and 50,000 SHU, and Cayenne pepper, rated between 30,000 and 50,000 SHU.

While perusing shops in Mexico City’s aeropuerto, I spied Habanero peppers! Desiring an increase in SHU consumption, I purchased a jar and stuffed it in my shoulder bag. When I arrived in Chicago, I rechecked my bags and entered the TSA security line.

The Scotch Bonnet, native to the Caribbean, and the Guntur Chile, native to southern Asia, are the next hottest chilies, rating between 100,000 and 350,000 SHU.

“It took time,” said Jorge Saltillo, spokesperson for Department of Homeland Security’s newly formed Pepper Interdiction Division (PID), “to comprehend the chili pepper threat. It starts innocently, with table pepper. Then comes powdered red pepper and Jalapenos, and then the truly gateway pepper, the Habanero…”

Inspecting my carry-on, my Habanero peppers were discovered.

“I can’t let you take these through,” I was informed.

I stared.

“I can’t,” TSA Man insisted.

“Why not?” “Because it’s the rules.”

“What rules?”

“There’s liquid in this jar. You can’t take this in. You can take it back out and either check it with your luggage or pour out the liquid and bring it back through.”

My luggage already checked, I stared. “It’s the rules.”

“OK, hand me the jar, I’ll pour out the liquid right here.” I pointed to his wastebasket, brimming with PID victories.

“Oh, I can’t allow that.”

“Why can’t you allow that?”

“Because it’s the rules.”

You can gauge the level of abuse you can bestow upon such men. I gauged.

“What, is PID making the world safe from Habaneros now?”

“Sir, I’m just doing my job.”

“They’re friggin’ peppers! Look, I’ll pour the liquid into your basket. There will be no liquid. Why can’t I do that?”

“Because it’s against the rules.”

“There’s a rule that says I can’t empty the liquid from a jar of Habaneros?”

“Sir, I’m just telling you the rules.”

“Let me get this straight. I can go back, lose an hour, empty the liquid back there and miss my connection, but can’t empty it here and make my connection. Is that right?”

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“Or you can have it checked through in the baggage department.”

“How the hell do you check a three-dollar jar of Habanero peppers?”

“You need to box it up.”

“Where do I get a box?”

“Sir…”

“Okay,” I conceded. “Give me that.”

The man handed me my jar of peppers. I fired it into his wastebasket, put on my angry eyes and continued Habanero free, no longer threat to God and country.

Habaneros are native to Mexico and rated between 100,000 and 350,000 SHU and hot enough to deeply concern the Department of Homeland Security. PID agents, instructed to interdict all incoming jars, bottles, or powders, are trained to recognize characteristics of the Pepper Eater like nervousness, heavy facial sweating and glazed eyes, as well as choking and asking for bread.

Well, perhaps not everything here is accurate. But sometimes to drive a story forward, you need to bump a few fenders.

Breaking News: PID, the CIA, the FBI as well as the Girl Scouts of America jointly announce the placing of the Red Savina, as well as the notorious Bhut Jolokia, rated between 800,000 to 1,000,000 SHU, on the chile pepper “terrorist watch list.” They have also designated the Trinidad Moruga Scorpion, the hottest pepper on earth, a Weapon of Mass Destruction.

“We shall not flag or fail,” Jorge Saltillo, PID spokesperson announced. “We shall fight chili peppers in the TSA line, we shall fight them on the seas and the oceans, we shall fight with growing confidence and growing strength in the air, we shall defend the Homeland from the Pepper Threat. We shall fight Jalapenos on the beaches, we shall fight Serranos on the landing grounds, we shall fight Tepins and Scotch Bonnets in the fields and in the streets, we shall fight the Habanero in the hills; we – shall – nevah – surrendah!”

Once home, I was forced to buy Habaneros on the street, unsure if a Bhut Jolokia, or even a Trinidad Moruga Scorpion might be mixed in. I moved to the window, scanned the street and carefully closed the curtains. I turned off Alexa and my cell phone. I dimmed the lights and put the cat out. Sitting for dinner, I whispered to my wife:

“Pass the peppers, please?”